| Sunday, May 20, 2007 |
| Something or nothing; and it doesn't even matter... |
I had a dream today that I was diagnosed with Cancer and given 2 weeks to live. I woke up and wrestled with several of the emotions that I went through over the course of the dream and afterwards. There was the struggle with: A. Do you even tell people? and B. How do you tell them?
A. was a difficult question to answer. If you love and respect your friends, wouldn't you prepare them for what is to come? Especially if you have such a short time as 2 weeks. I think of all the times that someone has died suddenly and how much more easy death is for people to deal with when you know it is coming. My grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life. We knew she was sick and would die soon for over a year. I miss her terribly, however, when it happened, half the mourning process was already over and we were relieved that she was no longer in pain. It was not as painful an experience for us as it could have been had she died quickly and suddenly. In my dream however, there was that selfish side of me that wanted so much to not tell people. How horrible would it be for your last 2 weeks of life to be spent with people walking on pins and needles around you. Everyone is sad and depressed. Like a long and drawn out goodbye, and I hate goodbyes.
B. was even worse. How do you tell someone that you will die? How horrible it must be to tell everyone. To watch everyone's face change, over and over and over again each time you break the news. To watch that look come into their eyes, where they close off a part of themselves from you, so not to increase your pain. I hate to say it, but when you look at 2 weeks of life left and then people shut themselves off from you so as not to burden you with their emotion, it would be even more painful and difficult to bear than having person after person cry all over you. I'm ashamed to say that in my dream I was a coward. I posted a note on facebook and here on my blog and that was how I broke the news. You either read it or you didn't. People could pretend they didn't know if they wanted or be melodramatic if they wanted. How impersonal. What a horrible way to tell people you are going to die....Yet it was the only way I could bear. The more I ponder it, I think the dream was accurate. I would do something that impersonal to treasure the last moments. How selfish am I?!
Then came the struggle with regret. All the things that I have wanted to do but haven't, wanted to see but haven't. All the places that I've wanted to go and haven't. My greatest hope is that God would allow me to experience all the multitudinous beauty of his creation that I have yet to experience, in the afterlife. However, I believe that the afterlife is simply eternity in praise of God and therefore that it probably will not work out that way. How sad is it that I cannot conceive enough of the full company of God and it's awesomeness to not feel sad to miss out on only experiencing his works.
But the worst of all was the realization of my lack of faith in the existence of that afterlife. I uncompromisingly have faith in the existence of God and redemption through Christ. However, there is this part of me deep inside, that wrestles with the idea of eternity and the idea that anything could happen after death other than peaceful nothing. I'm still not scared of death, even when the idea of death is simply a nothingness; a ceasing; an ending. It still sounds wonderful to me. Maybe it's simply because I'm a workaholic and have not felt truly rested in years, however a part of nothing is almost more appealing than the idea of heaven. I can't pinpoint where my lack of faith in the afterlife originates, but my best guess is simply that I have no earthly experience to compare it to, or by which to even imagine it.
In my dream I asked myself one very important question: Do I regret dedicating my life to Christ and the often frustrating and heartrending calling of God if there is no ultimate reward? After a while of contemplation of what my life may have looked like and the choices I may have made, perhaps the seeing of those places I haven't, the doing of those things that I haven't I compared that picture to the choices that I did make in my life that were driven out of my faith. And surprisingly, among all the regrets that I faced and felt in my last two weeks of living, I found that following Christ was not one of them, even in the face of no reward. My relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit has been reward in and of itself, heaven or no heaven, and I would never wish to take it away if I found there to be no heaven, hell, or anything in between. Even if my relationship with the person hood of God were to lead to hell (yes, I know this is a blasphemous idea), I would still choose to know them. In all the uncertainty and wrestling provoked by this dream, I am certain of this only: my God is still real, I have still experienced his power and love first hand, and I still love and devote myself to him. I have no faith in our fallen human kind and our ability to pass on accurately the messages of God even through the bible. I read in Timothy about the sanctity of scripture, however there is this corner of my heart that remains skeptical that our imperfect selves could manage to not screw up even one part of such a huge thing as the Bible; such a huge thing as describing the Godhead; such a huge thing as making sense of his prophesies and promises. But despite that, I do have faith in the love and devotion of God. I have touched, tasted and seen it. So, in the end, all other things being thrown away, I love God and choose to serve him for better or worse.
My conclusion is this:
1. I am pathetically selfish, weak, cowardly, and unimaginative.
2. God is phenomenally amazing, powerful, ultimate, caring, and (above all) Love! |
posted by ~KL~ @ 10:32 PM  |
|
|
|
|
| About Me |
|
Name: ~KL~
Home: Ipswich, MA, United States
About Me: 1 Corinthians 1:26 - 2:5 "Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eleoquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive owrds, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
See my complete profile
|
| Previous Post |
|
| Archives |
|
| Shoutbox |
"To know and to serve God, of course, is why we're here, a clear truth, that, like the nose on your face, is near at hand and easily discernible but can make you dizzy if you try to focus on it hard. But a little faith will see you through. What else will do except faith in such a cynical, corrupt time? When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word. What is the last word, then? Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids - all the places where the gravy soaks in and grace shines through." -Garrison Keillor |
| Links |
|
|
| Powered by |
 |
|
